Relapse & First Admission as an Adult (2022)
So, this post is kinda fucked up a bit, I guess? Well I've relapsed again. Ha. Hooray! Well okay, the reason being is that my mood is very low to the point that I lose myself completely. I was hesistant to, you know visit a professional help considering the stigmas around. My last admission was when I'm 18, so that'll be 3 years. Honestly I began to relapse for 5 months ever since I lost the job I loved, tried few jobs here and there and still hadn't found the "right" one.
I work as a gadget operator, checking phones quality — more of like inspection stuffs. I love it actually but just that the whole shit is kinda fucked up, the environment isn't safe to work, no equipements upgrades. So I left. Started working back at F&B industry, barely able to withstand a month, quit, joined a new food industry, attended only a day and relapse got worst.
It's very messy to be honest, even I myself in this position, feeling fucked up ever. I began to cry multiple times to the point my eyes started to swell every morning which is fine actually but just that it looks puffy, with dark circles underneath. It's surprising, really.
It got too overwhelming that I started to self harm. Yes, you read it well. I wouldn't post the photos here because it'll be damn triggering and also 100% my blog will be deleted, so nope. My mind was messed up that I began to look for answers asap, so I did this. I decided to contact the SOS organization, which stands for Samaritans of Singapore, which specializes in saving or preventing suicides. I refused doing phone calls because I don't like speaking on the phone, hence, we chat through messages.
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this was a day BEFORE I went to the hospital to seek help. I decided to just try my luck and see how talking to a 24hr operator be like since I've heard multiple complaints of the service not being good but who knows? The experience itself was, well quite okay, I guess?
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the fact that they asked questions before talking to us gives me a good impression on how their service will be like.
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the beginning of the purpose as to why I decided to approach SOS for help. I was shaking and crying at this period of time and felt unsafe because I'd might do something, y'know?
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she/he asked if any of my family members knew my struggle and I'd always answer yes because I'd tell my mother everything, well sometimes, my father too.
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at this moment, I began to have panic attacks but I tried to calm down and continued the chat despite want to just do something to harm myself. I was clinging onto my blanket really hard to the point I felt my fingers feels numb.
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and how I wish/wanted to die but just telling the truth, sounds irony, isn't it?
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i spoke the truth, even though it hurts :(
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and so, the conversation ended. And this point, I don't know what to do.
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well, we chatted for a quite a while until the chat was cut off. And at this moment, I don't know what to feel, to either feel appreciated because I have someone to rant out for a while or it's just well, someone to listen but not to give empathy? I just find it ridiculous I mean. It shows or seems that empathy or caring were given but I feel like it's more of a forced? I don't know if it's just me or bleh.
at the very first morning, I've made the decision to go to the hospital, hoping to see a doctor, get the meds and go home, but guess what? The plan, backfired. I was supposed to GO HOME but the doctor insisted for me to stay and get admitted after she sees my self-harm scars. And she sees it as a potential risk, hence I was admitted *roll eyes with a sigh*. I was hoping for a day or two but nah, that wish, can go to the drain because it never happens!
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& 3 coming up! Link will be provided ASAP. Stay tuned :')