Letting Things Out of My Chest

I met my counsellor today. I vowed not to cry in front of her because I want to appear 'No Emotion-Khad'. I managed to control my emotions though I felt tears in my eyes. It was a successful thing. However, as I'm typing this, I've been crying for over an hour. In fact nearly 3 hours, I believe. My eyes is puffy right now. I felt extremely pain in my chest and I felt this extreme breathless from all of the shut in screams. I can't open up to Mama or Papa now because; they can't and will never be. 

Is this how failure feel? Is this how defeat feels? People i admire, died, ended up killing themselves and succeeded. Me? Completely fail. Do I have any suicidal thoughts? No. Just the feel of shut-in as much as possible. I want my life to be half-ly perfect but will I be able to achieve it or even own it? It's impossible. There's no need for hope. More of disappointment decisions. 

I have so much ambitions and even bucket list that I can't even fulfill one. I hope to at least even fulfill one because it made me more human. Right now I'm not human nor even devil. I'm more of passing by spirit or soul, looking for answers of living. The worth of human lives. It's unique how human emotions could be triggered in a split second and crying sucks. I'm fucking exhausted and I have no idea how many times I've repeated the same sentence, all I want to finally did is to end the chapter. But how do I know the ending when I can't even have the start line?