Questioning Myself after Coming back from Umrah [Non-edited]

Well, hello. 

I have no idea where to start but well, I guess let's start from 0. I have a bad relationship and thinking with my own life. I view my life, destructible. I find life boring in general. I find life as its own disease. I find it hard to click with the life because I view life has my own enemy. I treat life like it's not important, it wasn't part of my life. Not until I went for Umrah this year February 2025.

I won't go into depth of how the journey is while in Mecca, but I would say that it changes me a lot, not a lot but I do see a changes with how I reacted. I became more annoyed, I became easily irritable, I become impatient with the situation, and I find things hard to control. I have patience, yes but it goes so far that I could explode at any minute. However, it took a longer time for me to even manage my emotions. I struggled so much that I have thoughts to harm myself, which I know I wasn't supposed to do so. In fact, right now as I'm typing this, I'm still struggling with mentally and emotionally.

My thoughts are full of doubts. Doubt of whether my existence is worth living. At home, I was just myself, or maybe I wasn't but it was just that. Going home, greet and acknowledge my parents and my grandmother, do my own stuffs and then repeat. Afterwards, the next day I repeat the same. Go to work, well maybe work is fun but sometimes I feel that I wasn't worth? I struggled to be in a place where I feel like I belong as a person, but I don't feel it both at home and at work, maybe because of the expectation and pressure I've been feeling. The unfairness I felt at work (which is not) and sometimes at home, it's so overwhelming, that I can't even control my negative thoughts anymore. It has reached to the point where I assume everyone to be the evil one when its fact not all of them really is. This is how evil mind works. It consumes your fear, your initial thinking, to the point it drives you mad. It drives you to think irrationally, to see people the way you think they are when it's not. I hate this mind.

It came to the point I hated myself. I hated the way I think, the way I assume, the way I believe that it is what it is. It's not. The truth differs, but I believe the lies more. Maybe because I've been hurt since young and although truth hurts but being lied hurts more. It kind of make my heart frozen solid. Even if fire to melt it, it's impossible, it'd take years to melt. I don't know how to explain but you know-you know. 

I'm still on the path rediscover my true self, to discover my true purpose of living. No, I'm not suicidal but I feel like I'm more to questioning the existence of living. And no, I'm not questioning Allah, but I'm questioning myself more.