Understood or ..... Misunderstood?

Burnout or Relapse? I could say both.

I went back to ER yesterday because I'm so emotionally unwell, at the stage where hurting myself was the only option to where I could understand that my pain is real. I spend nearly 5 hours in ER because consultation in IMH ER took a while. And for me, I'm used to long waiting time because oh well, unwell could take many hours. But yesterday and now, I finally understood or misunderstood my own diagnosis. 

So as of now, I finally understood that I have Bipolar I and not or no longer Major Depressive Disorder as I have mania episodes. As my depressive state in Bipolar I fits the criteria for MDD, so I could and fully admit that I'm officially diagnosed with Bipolar I, Anxiety, Panic Disorder and Adjustment Disorder. 

From the ER visits to consultations as such, I can say that I'm not entirely well. Ha. 6 years of not wanting or even went back to ER to a full-blown diagnosis being smacked onto your own face. It made me feel more bothered than before because I could no longer function properly. I want my own self back, my okay self. But do I have a choice? It's horrible enough to explain this to the ER psychiatrist let alone my own parents. Having a panic attack every night, thinking about the next day. I just wish that I'm recovering but not this bad. Each time this happens, I can no longer trust myself. My parents are getting old. They can no longer work long hours nor work at this point. The pressure and responsibility are on me, I can't afford to be sick. 

So why do this keep happening?