RAW Entry
Let's be real. I'm done playing/faking that things are okay, like really okay. I'm struggling so bad. So bad that I got rejected from companies just because of my mental health diagnosis/records and my education. Surprise?! This is how fucked up my life has been. Let's put about my Faith/Religion aside. We're talking about me here. My funds are depleting fast despite me trying to save as much as I could, and not spending too much money on other stuffs even online, money just keep flying whether I want it or not. Even with doctor's letter that says I could work even with my mental health in check, they never gave me a chance. Not a single shit. I won't say it's just about me with mental illness, even with those who have chronic physical illness too doesn't get a chance of having a proper employment, because why? WE DON'T HAVE A CHANCE. A chance to prove to people that regardless of medical labels, we are capable of working, earning a living. What other choices we have? Food delivery? Some are not even capable of doing food delivery because one, health reasons. Two, there's a downside of everything. We deliver late, complained. We deliver early, complained.
Not only mental or physical illness. Education is another thing. I'm a freaking dropout. I couldn't even complete my secondary 2 level because of my depression and anxiety. I had to lived in a solid dark with no proper education system help because I was too fucking afraid to go to school, out of fear being bullied, being left out. From 14-16, I had 0 education knowledge. I had to survive by working part-time jobs just to earn a living that doesn't even help me to pay my medical debts let alone continuing private studies. I did Private N and well, because I lack of education for 2 years, guess who just passed or failed her studies? Me. Even with N Level cert, I couldn't even get a job that could pay me higher salary because I was deemed unknowledgeable. Most jobs requires O level, degree or Masters. I have no chance to even get the job that I am interested in because why? Mental illness and Education.
If you have read my previous blog post, I was terminated from my company because of my poor work performance due to anxiety. And because my former students were afraid of me to the point that they just afraid to be themselves. I was blown away. I don't even know that it affect my students so much that it cost me to lose my job. Ha. As I'm typing this, my heart ache and I felt tears forming in my eyes but I just couldn't cry. Maybe because I'm too emotionally damaged that I can't feel anything anymore, even though it fucking hurts. I applied tons and tons of jobs applications, rejected.
Well ... well ... thanks to the ''snakes'' at my previous company, congratulations. You fucking won. You fucking won. Good luck. I'll see you in hell.