My Long-standing Resentment may damage My Soul and Mind

That's my longest blog title I've ever had in my blogging life (I think).

Tomorrow is the Hari Raya of 2026. I'm not because I'm not mentally okay. My feelings were treated as trash (imo). Items came, I wanted to pack but listening to have a "No" for a decision that I've made and because the purpose of that "No" was to because to care for someone's feelings, making it a big prioritize because she's older than us all but that doesn't mean that her title of being older says much. No, I do not hate or despise her because she's just herself, but I'm just upset that maybe hearing a "No" it's like a shit dump on your face. I was feeling okay before I met Dr Jacelyn today for a follow up appointment. And all of a sudden, I bring up the generational trauma and now, I'm feeling shitty. 

I shouldn't have this resentment but having to face it, face the people tomorrow makes it even more distressing because I used to be close to them when I was young and now I had to move forward because they found someone they love or cherished and having them to bring them to my house just pissed me off. I'm not against their relationship but I guess I had this mentality where we get married according to our hierarchy (age) but instead, it's the upside down. It pisses me off because, I hate this jealous feeling.

But then that makes me human, right? It's an unresolved feeling of the need for emotional touch, physical touch and emotional needs but I don't have all that. Even if I do, it's more of parental love. But does that mean I need love from someone not from a family? A stranger? My previous relationship doesn't give me the love I need. He gave me loneliness. He gave me nothing but silent treatment. I feel his love when we met outside, go for a date but that's about it. I envy those who have a partner that gave them love and attention. Okay that's about relationship for now. Let's talk about me here.

The resentment I have at this moment may or may not dissipate. It may take years for it to evolved into a normal feeling, maybe it will come to the point where I hope I can fully accept who I am and also understood that these feelings and emotions are valid. But at what cost? It's the same questions I've asked myself. It's unresolved feeling, indeed.